This, that, and the other

Does anyone ever cook the right amount of pasta? I made my weekly plate of wheat spaghetti for dinner tonight (I know, I am mano) but I made too much. It is so hard to get that right. As I am ripping the dry spaghetti in half before tossing it in the boiling water, I say out loud, "Is that enough? I don't know. Maybe I'll add a little more." The worst thing that could happen is that we could make too LITTLE. That would be a tragedy. "I can't go to work hungry! I'll add a few more strands ..."

Do you know what makes me laugh? Watching the shy muscle-head dude at a bar try to talk to a girl. I was at work tonight and saw this short-but-ripped guy leaning on the wall next to the dance floor. His buddy was dancing with some chick, but this kid was just standing there, with a look of total fear on his face, as some other chick was dancing in front of him. It was obvious that they were together (or atleast trying), but it was painful to watch. The kid wasn't saying a word, wasn't dancing at all, and was gripping his bottle of Bud Light so hard that I thought it was going to break in his hands. Thankfully, they got off the dance floor after the song and retired to a spot at the end of the bar. But the awkwardness did not stop there. More silence followed, along with the "deer in the headlights" look on this dude's face. It was bad. How do you expect to have a good time when you have the personality of a freekin rock?

How about shaking hands with the overly-firm-grip guy, guy? I recently shook someone's hand and I gave him my normal handshake ... firm but even pressure, one pump, thumb not too aggressive. What I got in return was the death squeeze. You know, the single pump that briefly cuts off the circulation in your fingers. The one that feels like your hand is in a vice grip. Yeah. That one. I had to check capillary refill in my fingertips afterward to make sure he didn't do any permanent damage.

For my next joke, I will need a volunteer from the audience. Actually no. Most of you can't relate to this, but I'll say it anyway. Is it me, or does EVERYONE in Washington, DC smoke cigarettes? I work at a bar for the time being (not for too much longer though) and even when we are beyond packed, it seems like every person in that bar is smoking a cancer stick. It baffles my mind. The DC smoking ban was recently passed and it will go into effect in about a year. Can't wait for that.

Thank you. You're a great audience. I will give bonus points to anyone who can name the Seinfeld episode I pulled the title of this column from. I still don't know what the hell a bonus point is though.

-Jason