Meeting the parents

Stuck in traffic with my girlfriend last Friday afternoon, I reached for the protein shake I had prepared before I left the house. After taking a big swig of the chocolate-and-water mixture, something happened. The bottle tipped sideways and as I violently grabbed it with my other hand to prevent a disaster, the beverage sprayed onto the dash, my jeans, and the floormat.

Thirty minutes later, I was drinking from a bottle of water when I spilled some of that into the center console of my better half's Honda Civic. "Are you nervous to meet parents honey?" she asked.

And so it began.

Meeting the parents. It is a big step in any relationship. I had been telling all of my friends about my big Easter weekend plans, and the same question kept coming up: "So Jason, are you nervous?"

Frankly, I wasn't nervous. I was excited to meet the molders of this wonderful person in my life. They live on the water, complete with a dock, a handful of boats, and enough fishing rods to supply a charter boat. Nervous? Heck no.

We arrived at her parents at 6:30 that night, after sitting through hours of holiday weekend traffic. When I got out of the car and started to walk toward the house, that's when the nerves arrived. It wasn't bad, but I wanted to make a good impression. I greeted her parents and instantly felt welcomed. It was such a comforting feeling.

There are a few issues that always come up when you visit your other half's parents. Well, atleast in my mind. Here are a few examples.

Sleeping arrangements. This is a big one. Some parents do not mind their son or daughter staying in the same room as their significant other in their house, some do. This is usually worked out prior to the visit so there are no questions.

The bathroom. Ah yes. The bathroom. This may not be an issue for the ladies, but us fellas always think about this. You can't spend too long in the bathroom doing, uh, bathroom stuff, because the parents might think you are weird. And I cannot stress this enough: Always, always, always make sure there is an ample supply of toilet paper before closing the door behind you. Running out of that stuff in my girlfriend's parents' house might be my worst nightmare. That, or having to pull her aside and ask, "Does your dad have a plunger?"

Alcohol consumption. This might be the determining factor. Meeting the parents is big. Huge. And you do not, I repeat do not, want to ruin an otherwise meaningful relationship by being "Colleen's drunk boyfriend." Symptoms of this include yelling obscenities, relieving yourself on the backyard storage shed, and planting an open-mouth kiss on Aunt Doris. If you suffer from any of these, immediately retreat and call for backup.

Despite what you might think after reading the above, my weekend went perfect. We attended a cookout at Colleen's brother and sister-in-law's house on Saturday, I played my guitar for her parents and sister that night, and went to Easter Mass Sunday morning.

The latest exit polls show that I have the family's approval, so I am on the right track. I am just happy I didn't pull a Ben Stiller (the male nurse) and really screw it up.

-Jason

Alien invasion

Something is wrong here. Terribly wrong. Where did all these immigration protests come from?

I have to admit, this topic has been covered over and over the past two weeks. And although I am behind the curve on this one, this is a very important issue. We should all be concerned about something involving national security.

First of all, we must close the borders of our great nation. That thing we call a border? That's not exactly keeping people out. It reminds me of the time I played a game at goalie for my floor hockey team years ago. EVERYTHING got by me. I was more porous than a guy who just faced the firing squad.

The southern border of the United States is the same way. For every 10 illegals the U.S. Border Patrol catches and sends back to Mexico, another 20 or 30 or 50 slip through undetected using cars, boats, tunnels, and even airplanes. And many of these aliens are bringing drugs with them across the border, feeding the illegal drug epidemic in this country.

Although it is a misdemeanor under U.S. law for a person to illegally enter the U.S., there is no reason why people who commit this crime should not be prosecuted and sent back to where they came from. Statistics have shown that a high percentage of illegals who come from Mexico are criminals; so as more of them break U.S. law and enter this country without permission, crime rates soar and jail and prison populations go through the roof.

All this being said, it is extremely disturbing to me to see these very same people protesting across the U.S. and demanding more benefits, better jobs and wages, and equal treatment. Did I miss something here? Aren't you the same idiots who disregarded U.S. laws and illegally entered this country? And now you are asking MY government for help? You're kidding, right?

The root of this problem are the small businesses that employ illegal aliens. In an effort to save money and avoid paying taxes, employers hire aliens to work for them at low wages, pay them in cash, and write it off as "administrative expenses." Right. If Congress can pass legislation that makes it illegal to hire these people, and if they impose stiff penalties for violating this statute, I think we might have something.

I am all for equality and having a better life. If you live in Mexico and want to bring your family to the U.S. in hopes of a fresh start, go for it. But please, do it legally.

These protesters ARE NOT U.S. citizens. They have no standing in this country and should not even be here. So to hear them say they are being treated unfairly or that they want MY government to pay for their education because they don't have any money really irritates me.

You may have a better life living here as an illegal criminal who entered this country by breaking the law, but you're not paying taxes. You're not being turned away from a job because someone else can be hired for less money. No, you should not be here.

-Jason